Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
