Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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