Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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