every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
