Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i came on her dog
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
