god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Please, let me fuck your mom
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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