...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
