I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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