Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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