It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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