Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
