I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
