The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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