So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
