There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
