just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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