The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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