And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
