If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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