Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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