Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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