You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
