Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
