When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
