It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
