That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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