I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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