This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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