Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
