I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
