it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
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It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
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Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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