Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
