I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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