So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
