Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
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As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
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That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
