got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao