shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
FUCK WHALES
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
