Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
