Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
