hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
