didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
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i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
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There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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