Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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