that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
