Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
