If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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