I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Girls should come with a carfax report
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Someone came in the potted fern
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
