Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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