i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
