So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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