i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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