My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
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i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
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I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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