My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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