There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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