I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
