You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
