its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I woke up under a house in Key West
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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