I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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